Psalm 1: Take Pride in Your Appearance, O DAUGHTER!

O DAUGHTER, how my voice has risen!

You have taken this moment

to rise up against ME,

and wear your hair in that way I do not like.

You, O DAUGHTER, were not raised

by me, MOM, who once brushed your hair,

just to make me cry out

“could you please just run a comb through that mop?”

For you should take pride in your appearance.

Arise, O DAUGHER!

And deliver me, with yourself

to The Olive Garden

You must look nice for The Olive Garden, O DAUGHTER!

For there we shall dine

on pasta and breadsticks, never-ending.

Psalm 2: Answer Me When I Call!

Answer me when I call,

O DAUGHTER of self-righteousness.

Relieve my distress

And grace me with your voice

and not with your voicemail.

How long, O DAUGHTER, will my honor be maligned?

Search your heart,

answer in the name of MOM

For she knows you are always,

always, on your phone.

Answer your phone, just once

and you will fill my heart with joy

then I may sleep in peace

while you go to a sex party

or whatever you do in the city.

If you go to the sex party

be safe and trust in yourself.

I am not like most moms,

for I know that you have sex

but want for you to dwell in safety.

Psalm 3: Do Not Rebuke Me in That Tone

O DAUGHTER, do not rebuke me in that tone.

Be merciful to me, O DAUGHTER

for I am not comparing you to YOUR SISTER,

but simply must let you know,

how well she is doing in her job at Best Buy.

O DAUGHTER, have you eaten today?

Your voice is doing that thing.

The thing it does when you are very emotional,

when all that I said, O DAUGHTER,

was that YOUR SISTER got a raise and better benefits.

Then depart from me, if that's how you would like it.

For I am only MOM, after all.

MOM, who did nothing wrong.

YOUR SISTER will talk to me, anyway,

and does not turn her back in disgrace.

Yes, I forgive you, O DAUGHTER,

for MOM knows you are just touchy today.

Again, I am not comparing you to YOUR SISTER,

but I must offer praise in her name,

for she has earned much money this year.

Psalm 4: The Perils of the City

Why, O DAUGHTER, do you live so far away?

Why do you hide in a land of crime,

when there are many opportunities for work

in the villages surrounding MOM.

Wicked men boast cravings of their hearts,

and they live in the city in which you dwell.

The wicked men want one thing, O DAUGHTER,

but you do not always have to give it to them.

No, O DAUGHTER, you misunderstand

MOM is not saying you always give it to them,

for MOM knows you do not.

But MOM also knows that you do, sometimes.

Fine, O DAUGHTER, we shall not have this talk again

for you have objected and shown distress.

MOM just wants you to stay safe,

and perhaps consider living in closer lands.

Originally published in Little Old Lady Comedy